


Waiting

by Scientia_Fantasia



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, ambiguously asexual shinji, au where people live past 14, but this is a happy story, shinji has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scientia_Fantasia/pseuds/Scientia_Fantasia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji wishes he could contribute more to his and Kaworu's relationship, but Kaworu has everything he could ever want</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting

                Kissing Asuka was strange. Shinji had thought about it before, but when she came up to him and…well, maybe it had something to do with him not exactly being the most willing participant. It felt like kissing anything else, except…invasive.

                It didn’t really live up to expectations. But Shinji didn’t care. He had other things to worry about.

 

*

 

                He never really thought about kissing Rei. He liked her. He liked her a lot, actually, but he wanted more to just be around her than anything physical. He enjoyed her company, sometimes a little too much, expecting more attention than any one person should have to give.

                Shinji never asked her for that attention, of course. He was just upset when it wasn’t given to him. Which was worse, he wondered?

 

*

 

                Then there was Kaworu.

                Shinji never thought much about Kaworu, because Kaworu didn’t leave him much time to think. He just _did_.

                Except when Shinji needed time, of course. Shinji wasn’t really sure how Kaworu knew him well enough to tell which was which, but somehow he did. Kaworu didn’t leave him time to think about whether or not he was being a bother—no time to wonder if Kaworu hated being around him, like everyone else did. Kaworu was just there. Every time, he was there. Shinji knew he had no right to demand this much time from one human being, but Kaworu was there. Kaworu was with Shinji.

                (Later, Shinji would come to realize that a few hours on most days of the week wasn’t really such a large time to spend around someone you wanted to spend time with. He had just had trouble realizing that Kaworu had wanted to spend time with him.)

                He didn’t leave time for Shinji to doubt.

                “I love you,” he’d said, much too early for Shinji to believe it meant anything. But he didn’t leave room for doubt. Kaworu didn’t say it again—not out loud, at least. He just showed Shinji, over and over, that he had been telling the truth. He listened to Shinji. He loved him. He told Shinji the truth.

He loved him.

                Shinji thought that, maybe, it wasn’t good to rely on one person to bring you happiness. But, for a while, Shinji had a reason to get up in the morning.

                Not every morning.

                But most.

 

*

 

                Kaworu’s hands were cold. Or maybe Shinji’s hands were just warm, his heart pounding against his chest and his face heating as Kaworu’s fingers slid between his own.

                Kaworu wasn’t too close. He left space between them, but Shinji still kept his face turned away, picking a spot on the floor to stare at. Kaworu’s thumbs trailed up and down the side of Shinji’s hands, and if it were anyone else, Shinji might have wanted to pull away. But this was Kaworu, and Shinji felt…this was right, for some reason. He was scared, but he wasn’t scared of Kaworu.

                Shinji wasn’t sure what he was afraid of.

                “Is this alright?” Kaworu asked, after a moment.

                “Yes,” Shinji answered, out of a habit of passivity. But his answer didn’t feel cowardly this time, didn’t feel like he was merely avoiding a conflict.

                Shinji held Kaworu’s hands tighter. _Yes_. He might have smiled, but he didn’t feel like he could.

                “Shinji.”

                He waited for the sentence to continue. He looked up to meet red eyes, and Kaworu smiled.

                “I’d like to kiss you,” he finished.

                Shinji’s face had been warm before, but now it felt like he’d stepped into an oven. He knew he must be beet red, but Kaworu didn’t mention it.

                “Would you be okay with that?” he asked, instead.

                Kaworu usually didn’t give him time to think. But he let him have time here.

                Not that it seemed to be helping, at first, with Shinji’s heart drowning out his thoughts, leaving him glancing to his side again for a safe place to look and his mouth hanging open to answer only to emit a startled, “uh…!”

                Kaworu’s hands were growing warmer. Shinji thought that maybe he should say ‘no,’ but he didn’t feel like he wanted to.

                “I guess,” he said.

                “You guess,” repeated Kaworu. “Are you not sure, or are you afraid to tell me no?”

                “No!” Shinji said, looking back at Kaworu, eyes wide. “I’m not, I just…Um, yes. It would be okay.”

               Kaworu’s hands fell away, and Shinji looked down, heart clenching in the thought that he’d done something wrong. But then Kaworu replaced the touch, sliding his hands over Shinji’s jaw, the tips of his fingers brushing the hair behind Shinji’s ears. Shinji’s hair stood up to meet them.

                Kissing Kaworu was strange, too. Shinji thought for a moment that he should probably be bothered that he was kissing a boy, but he didn’t really care.

                Kaworu didn’t kiss him like he owned him. Kaworu’s hands were light—Shinji could have leaned back if he’d wanted to. He leaned forward, instead.

                “Was that okay?” Kaworu asked.

                _Please stay with me forever_.

                “Yes,” Shinji answered.

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Kaworu’s bed wasn’t very comfortable. For some reason that thought came to Shinji’s mind as Kaworu sat nearly in his lap, placing kisses along his jawline. Shinji turned to kiss him, missing his mouth first, but then kissing the smile off of Kaworu’s face.

                Kaworu’s hands were on Shinji’s jaw again, holding tighter this time—but Shinji knew he could still lean away. He just couldn’t imagine ever wanting to.

                Shinji had apologized once for not being very good at kissing. Kaworu just told him that it was okay, because every kiss with Shinji was a good one. He’d tried to stop worrying about it after that.

                He wrapped his arms around Kaworu’s shoulders.

                They both fell over.

                Shinji’s knee knocked against Kaworu’s wall, and Kaworu just barely managed to catch himself before their heads crashed together. His bangs were tickling Shinji’s nose. And Kaworu’s leg had ended up in between his.

                There was no way that Kaworu wouldn’t notice now.

                Shinji knew what was supposed to happen next, according to every movie, book, television show. Shinji’s breath caught in his throat. He felt like he was going to cry. Or throw up. He hoped he would cry.

                Kaworu lifted himself up, and looked down at Shinji.

                “Are you okay?” he asked.

                “Yeah,” muttered Shinji, “It was just my knee…”

                “I know,” said Kaworu. “But are you okay?”

                Shinji didn’t meet his eyes.

                “…can we stop?” he asked, not even loud enough to be sure Kaworu heard.

                Kaworu moved away and laid down.

                Shinji sat up, pulling his knees to his chest.

                “Sorry,” he said, staring his feet.

                “It’s nothing to apologize for.”

                Shinji continued to stare.

                “…I’m glad you asked. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Kaworu said.

                That didn’t really make him feel any better.

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Shinji lifted Kaworu’s hand off of his chest to compare his own to it. Kaworu’s hands had always been thinner than his, but they used to be longer, too—tips of his fingers barely, but noticeably, extending past Shinji’s.

                “Hm?” Kaworu inquired, opening his eyes at the motion.

                Their hands had recently grown to the same length. Shinji wasn’t sure when. But Kaworu’s were still thin and elegant; Shinji thought his own had grown awkward, like the rest of him. The tips of his fingers were hard and calloused. He should have seen that as more of a trophy, maybe, but it was hard to think that way all the time.

                Shinji loved Kaworu’s hands. He thought that, probably, Kaworu returned the sentiment.

                He wished he could be more certain than that.

                “Nothing,” he answered, letting Kaworu’s hand go again.

                Thinner, but slightly. That’s what mattered.

 

*

 

                Shinji stood in front of the glass case, staring at price tags that made him feel sick. He couldn’t afford much…but that didn’t matter, did it? It wasn’t the price that held the meaning. It didn’t matter.

                And even if it was supposed to, Kaworu tended not to mind those sorts of things.

                “Can I help you?”

                Shinji tried not to appear startled as an employee appeared in front of him.

                “Um, yes,” he said, taking his eyes off the price tags. “I’m looking for, um…a ring. Something silver, with a plain band, and…a ruby, maybe? Something red.”

                “Certainly, we have a few like that over here…”

                Shinji followed the employee, and tried to ignore what they were saying while they pointed out rings littered in diamonds, and huge stones and intertwining bands. Even if he had had the money, it wasn’t quite what he was looking for.

                An inornate ring hid in the corner of a display.

                “That one,” Shinji said, tapping the glass in front of it, “something like that.”

                “Hm. What size were you looking for?”

                Shinji guessed.

 

*

 

                “Here you go, sir,” the employee said, handing him a black velvet box. “I’m sure she’ll love it.”

                Shinji’s heart sank.

                She.

                Right.

 

*

 

                He woke up with his heart in his throat for a week after that. He hadn’t planned anything. He didn’t have the money for a fancy dinner or Hawaiian getaway.

                (He’d hardly had the money for the ring, but he had to get one. He didn’t know how he would ask, otherwise.)

                His chest was starting to get sore.

 

*

 

                Kaworu shut off their alarm clock.

                “Shinji,” he said, “are you awake?”

                “Mmph,” Shinji went into his pillow. He could somehow tell that Kaworu was smiling at him. Or maybe that was just the reaction he’d come to expect.

                “Are you getting up?”

                “Yeah, go ahead, I’ll be out.”

                Kaworu didn’t move. It took a moment for Shinji to remember that that answer was off limits. If Shinji decided to get out of bed, then Kaworu was supposed to make sure that he did.

                Shinji, with great effort, sat up and rubbed his eyes, before looking over at Kaworu.

                Kaworu was beautiful. Kaworu looked at him like he was beautiful, too.

                He wasn’t nervous anymore. He wasn’t sure what he was ever worried about in the first place.

                “Okay, okay, I’m up,” Shinji said, finding himself smiling. Kaworu smiled back, before getting out of bed and going to the doorway.

                “I’ll start breakfast,” he said.

                “You don’t always have to…”

                “I know,” said Kaworu, and went anyways.

                Shinji waited for a moment. After making sure that Kaworu had gone, he got up and went to his dresser, opening a drawer to reveal that little black box.

                He ran his fingers along the top of it. Today wasn’t really anything special, but…

                Well, it was about to be.

 

*

 

                Shinji set the box down on the table, and Kaworu came out with two plates of food.

                “Oh, I was planning on helping you…” said Shinji, as Kaworu set the table.

                “I know,” was all Kaworu said, sitting down. Shinji sat down across from him, feeling like he was waiting for a bomb to go off.

                Kaworu’s eyes found the box on the table, and time slowed down.

                “What’s this?” he asked.

                “Um,” went Shinji, suddenly nervous again, “you should open it.” There was no guarantee that this was going to turn out well. Shinji wasn’t entirely sure why he was doing this. What if. What if…

                Kaworu opened the box, and time stopped.

                There wasn’t anything in the world except for Kaworu, Kaworu’s lips parting, Kaworu’s eyebrows raising, Kaworu’s fingers lifting the ring out of its case and marveling—

                “Kaworu,” Shinji said. His voice was quiet. “Um. I know I…I, I think I’m supposed to give some sort of speech, but…well, uh, I’m obviously not too great at that, and I don’t think I could ever really say how much you mean to me, so I was thinking maybe I should…um…maybe we should, get married?”

                A tear rolled down his face.

                Kaworu was crying.

                Shinji’s mind went blank. Kaworu was crying. When did Kaworu cry? Had Shinji done something horribly wrong, or—

                Kaworu slid the ring onto his finger.

                “Yes,” he said. “Yes. Nothing could ever make me happier.”

                Shinji believed him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Everyone knew what you were supposed to do on your wedding night. They hadn’t exactly had a big wedding, and they weren’t going to have a honeymoon, but they did end up in their bedroom with a new pair of rings.

                Shinji stepped up behind Kaworu and wrapped his arms around his waist. Kaworu leaned against him. His heart beat against Kaworu’s back.

                Shinji kissed his neck, and behind his ear. Kaworu hummed, pleased, and removed himself from Shinji’s grasp just to turn around and place Shinji’s hand on his waist again, putting his own arms around

Shinji’s shoulders.

                Shinji kissed him, and ran his fingers up Kaworu’s back. Kaworu’s…his husband’s.

                It was going to take a while to get used to that word. Maybe it would be easier after…

                Shinji glanced at the bed. Kaworu followed his gaze.

                “Um,” went Shinji, feeling his face grow warm. This again. Hadn’t he gotten any older?

                Kaworu took a small step towards the bed, and Shinji stepped with him, so Kaworu let go of Shinji to walk over and lay down. Shinji followed him, crawling onto the bed and feeling a little ridiculous. He kissed Kaworu anyways, and Kaworu returned his affections.

                Shinji tugged on Kaworu’s tie, and undid it from around his neck, before starting on the buttons of his shirt. He was trying not to think. Maybe if he just kept going, he would be okay, he didn’t have to stop, he wouldn’t get scared this time.

                Kaworu pulled Shinji’s shirttails out of his pants, and Shinji’s hands faltered, fumbling with the next button in line. He wasn’t scared of undressing—they’d seen enough of each other that that was no longer a problem—but this was…something else.

                Kaworu put his hands over Shinji’s, and Shinji froze.

                “Are you alright?” Kaworu asked.

                “Yeah,” he said. “Of course.”

                Shinji felt Kaworu’s ring against his fingers.

                “I want you to know that we don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.”

                “But,” said Shinji, trying to keep his voice steady, “it’s…we just got married.”

                “Yes,” said Kaworu. “But is this what you want?”

                Shinji thought about it.

                Then he sighed, and laid down, resting his head on Kaworu’s chest. The heartbeat there was slow and steady. Shinji wondered how Kaworu always kept calm, even in situations like this.

                “I just want to make you happy,” he mumbled. Kaworu ran a hand through Shinji’s hair.

                “I’m already happy,” said Kaworu. “And if you want to do this, I would love that. If you want to lay here and go to sleep, I would love that, too. But I don’t want you to think that you have to ignore what you want in order to do something for me.”

                Shinji frowned.

                “But you do that all the time,” he said.

                “Hm?”

                “You always take care of me and make sure I have everything I need and…you can’t always want to do all of that.”

                “Hm. Sometimes it’s inconvenient, you’re right, but I’ve never been unwilling. You never ask for anything that you don’t need, and I would never begrudge getting you something that you need. I love you, Shinji. And everything I do is out of love.”

                Shinji fidgeted with the fabric of Kaworu’s shirt.

                “Thank you,” he said. “For everything.”

                Kaworu hummed in acknowledgement.

                “Thank you for being in my life, Shinji.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Their alarm shut off.

                Shinji stared at the lamp sitting on the nightstand.

                His mind hadn’t woken up. Thoughts came to him like they were wading through tar. His face was getting prickly. He needed to shave. And shower, probably. He couldn’t remember the last time he had. Though, that didn’t mean much. It might have been yesterday.

                “Shinji?”

                No.

                “How are you feeling today?”

                Shinji shook his head. He felt the bed move as Kaworu got up. He came over and sat down on the floor to look Shinji in the eye. Shinji just stared back at him, pulling the blanket up over his chin. He didn’t want Kaworu to see him like this. Not today.

                “Are you hungry?” Kaworu asked. Shinji shook his head. His stomach was empty, but it didn’t matter.

                “If I brought you something, would you eat it?”

                Shinji thought about it for a moment. He shrugged.

                Kaworu frowned, and reached over to brush a piece of Shinji’s hair behind his ear.

                “I’ll bring you food. I would like it if you ate, but you don’t have to.”

                He leaned over and kissed Shinji’s forehead. Shinji looked down, away from him.

                “I still love you,” he said.

                Shinji didn’t deserve this.

                Kaworu got up and left the room.

                Shinji closed his eyes, and didn’t think about anything.

 

 

* * *

 

 

                Shinji messed with Kaworu’s hair, his husband’s head lying on his chest, letting silver locks fall from his fingers. Was Kaworu ever going to grow old? His hair wouldn’t change.

                “It’s been almost eight years, hasn’t it?” Shinji said.

                “Hm?” went Kaworu, shifting to look up at him. “Since…since we met?”

                “Yeah.”

                “I suppose it has.”

                Shinji looked up at the ceiling.

                “And we still haven’t…” The words stuck in his throat. Could he really not say this? “Um. Consummated our marriage.”

                Kaworu was silent for a moment.

                “Does that bother you?” he asked, eventually.

                “Well,” said Shinji, “some people would probably think that’s…strange.”

                “I didn’t marry ‘some people’.”

                “Yeah,” went Shinji. He felt ashamed now that he’d even brought it up. But it was bothering him, and he thought that was probably important for Kaworu to know. “Do you think it’s strange?”

                “Only about as strange as everything else.”

                “…huh?”

                Kaworu turned himself around to set his chin below Shinji’s shoulder. “No,” he said. “I don’t think it’s very particular.”

                “Oh…”

                Kaworu shifted up onto his elbows, and leaned down for a moment to kiss Shinji.

                “Do you know why I married you?” he asked.

                “Hm?”

                Shinji hoped that there were any number of reasons.

                “Because of everything you did in the past that made me happy. And do you know what I expected from you after we got married?”

                “No…”

                “I expected you to continue doing what you had always done for me. Nothing more. What more could I possibly ask of you? I was happy.” He kissed Shinji again. “And I’m still happy.”

                Shinji put his arms around Kaworu’s shoulders, but didn’t meet his eyes.

                “I kind of felt like I’ve been keeping you waiting,” he said.

                “Never,” said Kaworu. “You’ve always been here for me. I had nothing to wait for.”

                Shinji gripped the back of Kaworu’s shirt, smiling, trying to ignore the tears coming to his eyes.

                “Please stay with me forever,” he said.

                Kaworu smiled.

                “I will.”


End file.
